*Sigh* The time I had hoped would just never come around is right around the corner. In just a little over a month it will be time for me to go back to work. I can't even begin to express in words how much this disappoints me. We have ran numbers and thought of just about solution in the last few months to avoid this, but sadly it just doesn't seem possible. Without me working the bills will not get paid. And as much has it hurts me, it does not change the fact that we still need a place to live. Our daughter needs food, she needs diapers. And without me working those things may not be possible.
Perhaps it would be different if I loved my job. I just don't. The day I walked out of there it felt like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that I didn't have to hear about DDA, how bad we were doing on credit cards, customer delight, HELOC's, how far behind I was on referrals, cash balancing and all the other junk that goes along with my job. It was so nice to have a clean house for once. To actually be able to make a nice meal. To night be stressed out and grumpy when I finally got to see Raynor when he got home from work. We could actually sit down and enjoy eachothers company without worrying about everything that had happened at the bank that day.
For me personally, I have never found I job that I have enjoyed. I have had jobs that have paid the bills, and that gave me something to do during the day. But when I became a mom that all changed. I truly enjoy this "job" if you can even call it work. I get to hang out with a beautiful little angel all day. Everyone keeps asking me if I am super stoked to go back to work. If I am going stir crazy being at home with the baby all day. Well, the simple answer to the question is, no! I never get sick of it. I never get sick of Alexxa. I will never get sick of seeing her learn new things, and seeing her smile. She has already changed so much since we brought her home and it just kills me that soon, I will not be there for every smile. It also worries me that we still don't know who will be watching her when I do go back to work. I am soo picky about that. Maybe I wouldn't be so worried about it if I knew someone well that could do it. But my mom works full time and so does Raynor's. And I don't hold that against them.
I guess the only hope I am really clinging onto here is that maybe Raynor can get another job soon and I won't have to work full time for much longer. I just wish there was an easier solution...
Monday, November 23, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Parenthood
As I sit here watching my precious, beautiful little angel sleeping in her swing I cannot believe it was 6 weeks ago today that she was born. That whole day will stay frozen in my memory forever. Not sleeping the night before, stopping at Starbucks for breakfast on the way to the hospital, the way my heart was pounding the whole way there, the lump in my throat as I slipped into that gown, squeezing Raynor's hand when I was delivering her, and of course the moment the doctor said, "its a beautiful baby girl" and placed her on my tummy. It was love at first sight, and I just could not stop the tears. Raynor leaned down, kissed my forhead and said "I love you" with a quiver in his voice. I did the natural new mom thing, counted fingers and toes and just admired our little miracle. The nurse took her away after a few minutes and weighed and measured her. A perfect 7lbs 4oz. Then Raynor got to hold her for the first time. I will never forget the look on his face as he gazed at his little princess for the first time. Very overwhelmed, teary eyed, and somewhat terrifed. He was head over heals for her just like I was.
Parenthood is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Never has my path in life been so clear. It is a type of joy that I never knew or could have even imagined. You just don't know this kind of love exists until you lay eyes on your child for the first time. You would litterally do anything for them. You just want to protect them from all the bad in the world, even though that is obviously not possible.
Now its not to say that all this joy hasn't come with its trying moments. I don't get much sleep. Thats a give in. But I try to cherish even those exhausted moments I spend with her all hours of the night and early morning on the sofa watching late night television, and the sunrises we have seen together. Just the two of us. There are days the dishes don't get done, days that I have to dig for a pair of clean underwear, nights that I have had to scramble to get a bottle clean while listening to a screaming baby, and times of utter frustration that I just have to sit down and cry. There have been chaotic moments when Raynor and I have snapped at eachother. There are days that I may not get a shower until three in the afternoon. But I think these are normal moments that every parent experiences. And its a small and very fair price to pay for the joy these little people give us!
Six weeks later, I look at my little princess and already can't believe the change in her. She is picking her head up, turning her head from side to side, and even smiling at us :) She has definitely discovered who her mommy is, usually I can calm her crying by simply just picking her up and talking to her. It scares me to know that this time next year our house will be completely baby proofed and she will be a toddler. Weird. I already can't wait to give her a brother or sister even though that isn't a good idea for a couple years!
It absolutely kills me that I have just a little more than a month before I have to return to work. Its something I didn't want to do, but unfortunately is necessary. I have a friend that can watch her on Mondays and Tuesdays, but I haven't figured out the rest of the week yet. My mom works full time and so does Raynor's. The hard part is we can't afford a lot because we are on a tight budget as it is. But we will figure something out. This stuff always has a way of working out. One thing is for sure though, as soon as Raynor gets a new job I'm giving my two weeks notice to the bank!
Anyways, just thought I would share some of my thoughts on this new adventure.
Parenthood is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Never has my path in life been so clear. It is a type of joy that I never knew or could have even imagined. You just don't know this kind of love exists until you lay eyes on your child for the first time. You would litterally do anything for them. You just want to protect them from all the bad in the world, even though that is obviously not possible.
Now its not to say that all this joy hasn't come with its trying moments. I don't get much sleep. Thats a give in. But I try to cherish even those exhausted moments I spend with her all hours of the night and early morning on the sofa watching late night television, and the sunrises we have seen together. Just the two of us. There are days the dishes don't get done, days that I have to dig for a pair of clean underwear, nights that I have had to scramble to get a bottle clean while listening to a screaming baby, and times of utter frustration that I just have to sit down and cry. There have been chaotic moments when Raynor and I have snapped at eachother. There are days that I may not get a shower until three in the afternoon. But I think these are normal moments that every parent experiences. And its a small and very fair price to pay for the joy these little people give us!
Six weeks later, I look at my little princess and already can't believe the change in her. She is picking her head up, turning her head from side to side, and even smiling at us :) She has definitely discovered who her mommy is, usually I can calm her crying by simply just picking her up and talking to her. It scares me to know that this time next year our house will be completely baby proofed and she will be a toddler. Weird. I already can't wait to give her a brother or sister even though that isn't a good idea for a couple years!
It absolutely kills me that I have just a little more than a month before I have to return to work. Its something I didn't want to do, but unfortunately is necessary. I have a friend that can watch her on Mondays and Tuesdays, but I haven't figured out the rest of the week yet. My mom works full time and so does Raynor's. The hard part is we can't afford a lot because we are on a tight budget as it is. But we will figure something out. This stuff always has a way of working out. One thing is for sure though, as soon as Raynor gets a new job I'm giving my two weeks notice to the bank!
Anyways, just thought I would share some of my thoughts on this new adventure.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Alexxa is one month old!!!
Well...almost. Tomorrow night at 9pm she will officially be four weeks old. And technically she won't be a whole month old until Friday, the 6th at 9pm. But just the same its just a few days away. All I can think is, WOW...what a whirlwind! I'm not just talking the last four weeks but more like the last 10 months. It does not seem like a whole 9 months ago I found out I was pregnant. Raynor and I were so shocked and freaked out. We had no idea how the heck we were going to do this. But eventually that shock and fear turned into utter excitement and anticipation for the big day to get here when we would actually get to hold our little sweetpea in our arms and see who she looks like. I remember thinking that 9 months was a lifetime away. It seemed as if we would never actually get to meet her. But over those months the baby paraphenelia rolled in, we put together an adorable nursery, Raynor spent a whole Sunday afternoon making sure the carseat was installed just right, and before we knew it, it was the early hours of Tuesday October 6th. Raynor and I were laying in bed both unable to get any sleep, because we knew that in just hours we would be parents. Finally 5am came and it was time to get up and get ready. I called the hospital just to double check they had room for us and sure enough we were given the green light to come on in. I took a shower, and Raynor packed the car. We got to the hospital, checked in, and settled into our room. They started the petocin around 8am, broke my water around 10am, and then I got my epidural around 11. Before I knew it, it was time to start pushing. I remember so vividly opening my eyes, looking at the doctor and seeing her place Alexxa on my tummy. It was so surreal to finally see her. It seemed like 2 seconds later we were packing up our stuff and heading home!
The last four weeks have been some of the most amazing, fun, exhausting, hormonal, crazy days of our lives. It has been so amazing to watch her grow. She has already changed so much. If I could go back and do it again, or when we have our second baby (which won't be for another 2 years!) I would definitely charish the pregnancy more. I was in such a huge hurry to get it overwith and have her here, that I really didn't take the time to enjoy it like I should have. And now I look back and actually find myself missing it. Not so much that I want to jump back into it of course :) But I think pregnancy is a special time, that sadly not every women gets to experience no matter how badly she may want too. I thank God every day that he has given me such a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She is just the light of our world. And I pray that some day he blesses us with two (or maybe even three) more. We'll see. I have always wanted to have a big family.
Today I was reflecting back to a couple months ago how stressed out I was about how this was all going to play out. If we were going to have enough money, feeling guilty that Alexxa was coming home to a small apartment, what we would do about childcare, ect. And now I look at how things are going and we are just fine. We may not have a lot of money, we don't have the house we want, and I still don't know what we will do about childcare. But I know everything is ok. In fact we are better than just ok, we are so happy. We have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who makes us smile every day. And we have eachother. Some day when we can afford to have that house we want, it will mean so much more. :)
The last four weeks have been some of the most amazing, fun, exhausting, hormonal, crazy days of our lives. It has been so amazing to watch her grow. She has already changed so much. If I could go back and do it again, or when we have our second baby (which won't be for another 2 years!) I would definitely charish the pregnancy more. I was in such a huge hurry to get it overwith and have her here, that I really didn't take the time to enjoy it like I should have. And now I look back and actually find myself missing it. Not so much that I want to jump back into it of course :) But I think pregnancy is a special time, that sadly not every women gets to experience no matter how badly she may want too. I thank God every day that he has given me such a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She is just the light of our world. And I pray that some day he blesses us with two (or maybe even three) more. We'll see. I have always wanted to have a big family.
Today I was reflecting back to a couple months ago how stressed out I was about how this was all going to play out. If we were going to have enough money, feeling guilty that Alexxa was coming home to a small apartment, what we would do about childcare, ect. And now I look at how things are going and we are just fine. We may not have a lot of money, we don't have the house we want, and I still don't know what we will do about childcare. But I know everything is ok. In fact we are better than just ok, we are so happy. We have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who makes us smile every day. And we have eachother. Some day when we can afford to have that house we want, it will mean so much more. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
