Going back to reality...

A week from tomorrow I will be heading back to work. Its a very bittersweat thing for me to do. I know I have to do what I have to do, so I am looking forward to settling into my new routine. Raynor and I ran the numbers and put it all out on paper and it just wasn't possible for me to stay home with her full time. However, with the price of childcare we decided it would be the best choice for me to go back part time. I stepped down from the Sales and Service Specialist postition, and decided to be a part time 20-30 hour teller. I am really looking forward to it, I'm not going to miss the stress of my old job. My work days will be Wendesday, Thursday, Friday and half a day on Saturday. Other than that I will be home with Alexxa. Wendesday and Thursday one of my best friends will be taking care of her, so its comforting to know she is in good hands. Friday is Raynor's day off so obviously, I know she will be in great hands with him. The sadest part of this whole arrangement is that Raynor and I no longer have a day off together, and that will be so hard for us. We enjoy our family days with Alexxa and our fun little date days where we just go and do whatever. Raynor will be working 6 days a week starting on Saturday then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wendesday, and Thursday with Friday being his only day off. It will be hard, but I guess we are just running on hope that things will start to turn around and he will be able to find a new job.
Tomorrow I am going to spend the day going through all my clothes. Since I got pregnant and my work wardrobe was all maturnity clothes, I really can't remember what I have for work clothes and what I might need. I know I definitely need some new pants and skirts. My old ones still fit, as in I can wear them, but my body is just a little different now that I've had a baby so I don't like the way the look anymore. I got some money for Christmas though, so I think some evening next week I'm going to head to the mall and see what I can find.
Raynor and I also came up with a new budget this week. We are really going to change the way we spend our money. I went through our bank account with a calculator and added up all out unnecessary expenses. Let me tell you, the number made me sick! We are going to stick to the budget we made up for a few months and see where it takes us. If we are doing ok, I might be able to cut my hours down at work even more and work. But we would rather play it safe and have extra money than not enough.
Anyways, keep me in your thoughts and prayers next week. It will be hard for me, but I'm tough and I think I can handle it.

Another year gone...

Is it just me or does it seem like the older we get, the faster the years go? It certainly feels this way to me. I remember back when I was in school (which wasn't really that long ago) the years would just drag on and on. I remember sitting on the bleachers at my freshmen year orientation feeling like 4 years was a lifetime. And it did feel that way until June 11, 2004 while I was sitting on the track with my classmates in my cap and gown about to graduate! At that point it was hard to imagine where all that time had gone. High school is not one of my fondest memories, but there were some good times, but a lot of anger and frustration in those years as well. My little brother is about to turn 20 on January 10th and I have told him several times not to feel so bad about leaving those teen years behind. My 20's have been waaaay more fun than the teen years!
So let's get to the reason I am writing this blog. The year 2009. The first thoughts that come to mind are, "WOW! What a wirlwind!" If someone told me last year on New Years that I would be where I am right now at the beginning of 2010 I would have probably laughed and thought no possible way. The year 2009 has been one of the best and also hardest of my life. There have been loved ones lost, new ones born, relationships that have fallen apart, new friends that have come into our lives and then some that have fallen out of our lives. The year started out very rocky for Raynor and I. At the time I was have issues at work, really hating my job at the time, our bad financial desisions had finally started to bite us in the butt, and Raynor's hours had been cut nearly in half at work. Towards the end of January, we made the tough decision to move out of our condo. Soon after that, we got the biggest suprise of all. Two little pink lines on a pregnancy test. And it could not have come at a worse time. We found out right when we were in the middle of packing up our condo, about 2 weeks before we had to move. At a time when we needed eachother more than ever we were parting ways. Not breaking up, but I was moving home to my parents house and Raynor moved in with a friend. We decided it was the best option, so we would have time to save up our money and pay off some debt. That was probably the worst part of the entire year. It was also one of the best decisions we have ever made, as hard as it was. We were able to build our savings, and pay off some credit cards. As the month of April started to approach, and I got further into my pregnancy, we decided we were ready to find a new place. At first it was really discouraging. It seemed like everything was out of our budget. We had found a perfect apartment in Wilsonville that we fell in love with, but they didn't allow dogs. I was SO upset! About a week after that I was surfing Craigslist for places and came across an add for an apartment complex in Tualatin that Raynor and I had actually toured about a year earlier. We really liked it, but it was out of our price range at the time. However, because of the bad economy they had dropped their prices a bit and were running some killer specials! The very next day we headed in to check it out. We liked the apartment even more so than we had before. Its 2 bedroom 2 bath and very spacious. To make things even better the application fees were only 15 dollars each, they waived the move in fee, and we got our first month's rent for free. We wasted no time applying, soon got approved and moved in at the end of April. Finally it there was some light at the end of the dark tunnel! I still absolutely love where we live. This place feels more like home to me than anywhere else we have ever lived, even the fancy condo.
The spring and summer of 2009 were awesome. Well except for the heat. I was very miserable during all that heat! Of course one of the hottest summers in history was the one that I was pregnant haha! But it was all worth it. In May I transferred to a new branch. I stayed with the same position, but the move was a good one for me. I had been working out in Cedar Mill for 9 months and it was ok, but the drive was long and the robbery that we had in November of 2008 had really got to me. So when the market told me they wanted to transfer me to the Washington Square branch I was more than willing. I was there from May through September when I went on maturnity leave and I loved it. The rest of the summer kept us busy with an awesome vacation to the Raynor's family cabin on the snake river, baby preparations, and lots of family time. Before we knew it September snuck up on us! On the 9th of September my doctor decided to pull me out of work because little miss Alexxa was wanting to come out earlier than she was supposed too. It wouldn't have been a terrible situation because it was so close my due date, but they wanted her to wait until at least 38 weeks idealy. He didn't put my on bed rest, due to the fact that it was so close and she would have been fine. But if she did come earlier than 38 weeks I wouldn't have been able to have her at the hospital I wanted too, and my doctor doesn't have privilages at Emanuel (where we would have gone if she came early) so I didn't want that at all! Instead of bed rest he told me to take it really easy. Doing light chores around the house was fine, going to the store, family's houses stuff like that was ok, but I wasn't supposed to be doing any major activity. I of course took his advice and layed low for a few weeks. I still had majorly painful contractions though and it was really miserable! Finally at my 37 week appointment I asked him when, if ever he would be willing to "help" me go into labor so I could stop being miserable. He said he would induce me at 39 weeks considering everything seemed favorable at my 38 week appointment. He went ahead and scheduled the induction for October 6th, contingent on the 38 week appointment being all good. To my luck it was, and we were able to go ahead with October 6th. I remember that morning just like it was yesterday morning. I only slept until 3am and after that I was too excited to sleep. I called the hospital at 5am as my doctor had instructed me too, and they said there was room for us and to come on in at 7am! Raynor packed the car while I showered and got ready. It was so surreal leaving our apartment knowing that when we came back we would have a baby with us! Sure enough at 9pm on October 6th Alexxa Rae come into the world. It was a wonderful, perfect experience. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
The last few months have been like a dream. Bank of America has a great family leave program. I have been very fortunate to be able to spend the last 3 months at home with her. She amazes me more every day. I can't even believe that in 2 weeks she will be 3 months old. So crazy. All she does is laugh and smile now and she has gotten so chubby! I was looking at her newborn pictures this morning and all the baby pudge is certainly new! She was such an itty bitty thing when she was born.
Wendesday the 6th of January I will be going back to work. Raynor and I came up with the best situation we could pull off and I think it will work out nicely for now. I am not going back to the bank as the Sales and Service Specialist. I decided to step down to a part time 25-30 hour teller. It will be nice, I will not miss the stress of my old job. My work days will be Wendesday, Thursday, Friday, and half a day Saturday. My very good friend Ticia will be watching Alexxa on Wendesday and Thursday and Raynor will have her Friday. My mom and Raynor's mom will rotate Saturdays and other than that I will be home with her. Our goal is for me to eventually be home with her full time, but until that is possible this arragement will have to work. I'm actually looking forward to getting back to "normal".
I'm so excited to see what the New Year will bring. I have a feeling its going to be great. Hopefully the economy will start to turn back around, and there will be more jobs. Its hard to believe that this time next year I will have a little 1 year old toddling around. Its a crazy world we live in!

Baby product research

I think from the time we find out we are expecting a child we only want the best for them when it comes to baby products. I mean, who wants to be a penny pincher when it comes to their child? Is there anything that is "too good" for your child? I think not! When Raynor and I started shopping around for baby stuff, I guess I automatically thought the expensive stuff was probably expensive for a reason: It was the best! When we bought her stroller/carseat travel system I did endless research on them to truly find the safest option for our baby. In the end we went with a Graco Snugride Travel System. I decided on that one because I actually talked to a police officer that had seen the Snugride carseat survive a roll over crash and the baby was fine. God forbid that would ever happen to us, but if it did I can rest assured that Alexxa would be safe. Now, that Graco Travel System just so happened to be cheaper than the Chicco one we were considering by over 100 dollars! To Raynor and I, 100 dollars is a lot of money!

I think my biggest struggle of all boiled down to baby formula. Oh yes, the formula. Obviously you want anything you are putting into your child's body to be good right? Not even just good, you want the best! I knew beforehand that breast-feeding was best. I was not excited about doing it because, well afterall I had already shared my body with this little person for the last 9 months and I was ready for it to be mine again and wasn't exactly stoked about sharing it for another 6-12 months. However the research is black and white and to the point. Breast-feeding is superior to formula. So you can probably imagine my guilt and disappointment when it didn't work out the way I had planned. From the very first try, Alexxa wanted nothing to do with it and I didn't like it either. It would turn into this battle between her and I and would leave us both in tears. The second night we were in the hospital I broke down and called the nurse to bring a bottle. She did and Alexxa guzzled it down in about 2 minutes! Poor little thing was starving. I thought that after she got some food in her she might have an easier time with breastfeeding. NOT the the case. Over the next two weeks we met with lactation nurses three times, and had several more battles ending in tears. She had made up her mind about what she wanted and I had to swallow my guilt and give the child a darn bottle! Which brings me to my main point (I got a little off track) the baby formula! The hospital and her pediatrician had been giving me samples of Enfamil. I had about a 10 day supply of the liquid samples from the doctors office and while I was pregnant I had gotten 2 cans of the powder samples in the mail. Eventually though those ran out, so Alexxa and I went on our first outing together to Target. I went down the formula isle and gasped in shock! Sitting there on the shelf was Enfamil formula at about 25 dollars a can, Similac for about 27 dollars a can and then there was Target brand for about 12 dollars a can. Now I sat there for, I don't know how long maybe about 10 minutes thinking. What was the difference? This store brand couldn't possibly be as GOOD as the name brand Enfamil Lipil the pediatrician had given me right? So what did I do? I bit my lip and spent 25 dollars on Enfamil.

I drove home still thinking about the Target brand vs the Enfamil. So that night I got online and did some research. Here is what I came up with:

*EVERY can of formula on the market today MUST meet FDA regulations. There are specific procedures manufactures must fallow to make it. So wether you are feeding your baby Enfamil, or a generic brand, the baby is getting a safe, FDA approved product. As long as the Formula contains iron, your fine. The majority of baby formula is actually made by the same company! Therefor, the generic brand comes out of the same factory as the name brand! The extra 13 or so dollars? Its pretty much for the fancy label.

*Why do pediatricians and hospitals give you name brand samples? It boils down to money. Pediatricians and hospitals get hit by marketing campaigns, samples, and kickbacks in order to give away samples of name brand formula. Enfamil and Similac (the leaders of the baby formula empire) know that once you get your baby hooked on "what works" at the hospital or on the samples your pediatrician gives you, you are then less likely to switch products. Enfamil and Similac are also big enough companies that they can afford to dazzle you with samples and coupons, but when those run out you are forced to subject your money to the 25 dollar label vs the 12 dollar one.

*What is are the major differences? There aren't any. Wether its Enfamil, Similac, Nestle, or generic the ingredients are almost identical. As for the generic brand, if you compare the label to one of the name brands eventually you can find the one that the generic is replicating. The Target Brand just so happens to be an identical match to Similac Advance. 12 dollars vs. 27 dollars!

So there you have it! After Alexxa enjoyed her 25 dollar can of Enfamil formula, we went to Target and bought 2 cans of the Target brand for less than the price of 1 can of Enfamil or Similac. I fed it to her at her next feeding, expecting her to maybe get a little upset tummy over the switch, but nothing happened! She loved it! Lesson learned. The expensive stuff isn't always the best, and now Raynor and I will save hundreds of dollars over the first year of her life. I now feed my baby Target brand formula and I do it with pride!

My sweet little angel is 2 months old!!!

Well I'm looking at the clock right now. 10pm exactly. Two months ago at this time I was sitting in my hospital bed with Raynor admiring our precious new arrival. Ever since that night my life has been like a dream I haven't wanted to wake up from. I don't remember what life was even like without her. She is like the last peice of the jigsaw puzzle that fit just perfectly into our lives.
Alexxa is doing amazing. She just shocks me every day. She has transformed from the little red faced bundle we brought home from the hospital into this very alert little person who is learning to smile and coo. Today I was on the computer and she was entertaining herself so nicely in her bobby bouncer. I had the music on and the chair also vibrates which was making the little toys move in front of her face. I looked down and she was actually batting at the toys with her little hands! Amazing! So far she has watched her mobiles and toys very intently, but she hasn't showed any interest in trying to touch them. Well today she did. She intentionally reached up and hit them. Such a small thing, yet it made me so proud! And she just loves her mommy and daddy. When she is in a full blown crying spell all it takes is for one of us to pick her up and snuggle her and she calms right down. I love being the magic woman!
Friday she has her 2 months check up. I am so excited to see how much she weighs and how much longer she is! At first there was a lot of conern about her eating habbits and she wasn't gaining weight at the rate the doctors like to see. She just didn't show much interest in eating much at all! Breastfeeding never came easy to me, and it didn't come easy to Alexxa either. We would both get so frustrated and eventually she would end up screaming her little head off and I would also be in tears. I met with the lactation nurses three times, once while we were at the hospital and twice after we had gone home. I tried pumping too and nothing was working. Finally, I had to just let go of the guilt and throw in the towel. But now that I did, Alexxa and I are both happier, and eating isn't so dramatic! She has come to LOVE her bottle! That was another saga...bottles. I swear, we must have tried every bottle on the market. For a while she liked the playtex drop ins, (although I thought they were a pain), we did Playtex Ventair, and then Avent. She seems to prefer the Avent and I definitely don't miss the extra step of having to put the liner in the bottle. The only issue I have with Avent is they are expensive and occasionally they leak. But the leaking problem can usually be solved by taking the cap off and putting it back on. Anyways, when we first started giving her formula she was barely taking 2 ounces at a time. Now she is chugging down 4 ounces like a pro! She is even getting cute little rolls on her theighs and arms! I love it!
Its unbelievable thinking that my maturnity leave is almost up at the bank :( Before you have them you think 12 weeks sounds like forever, but it really flies by. Every moment with Alexxa is amazing. Right on down to the four AM diaper changes. I just never get sick of her. Going back to work is going to be so hard, but I know I can do it. Its comforting to know it will only be temporary until Raynor gets another job. Up until now we haven't been able to come up with a plan as to what we will do about childcare. One of my best friends, Ticia is able to take her 2 days a week, but we haven't been sure about what to do the rest of the week. Last week I toured 3 daycares and they are just too expensive. So expensive that there wouldn't be a point in me even working. I think Raynor and I have come up with a pretty solid plan though. But first I have to clear it through Ticia and of course my boss. So cross your fingers for us and pray that it works out!
Anyways, I think that is about all I have to say for now. Its about time for Alexxa's bedtime bottle. Goodnight all!

The dreaded return to work...

*Sigh* The time I had hoped would just never come around is right around the corner. In just a little over a month it will be time for me to go back to work. I can't even begin to express in words how much this disappoints me. We have ran numbers and thought of just about solution in the last few months to avoid this, but sadly it just doesn't seem possible. Without me working the bills will not get paid. And as much has it hurts me, it does not change the fact that we still need a place to live. Our daughter needs food, she needs diapers. And without me working those things may not be possible.
Perhaps it would be different if I loved my job. I just don't. The day I walked out of there it felt like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that I didn't have to hear about DDA, how bad we were doing on credit cards, customer delight, HELOC's, how far behind I was on referrals, cash balancing and all the other junk that goes along with my job. It was so nice to have a clean house for once. To actually be able to make a nice meal. To night be stressed out and grumpy when I finally got to see Raynor when he got home from work. We could actually sit down and enjoy eachothers company without worrying about everything that had happened at the bank that day.
For me personally, I have never found I job that I have enjoyed. I have had jobs that have paid the bills, and that gave me something to do during the day. But when I became a mom that all changed. I truly enjoy this "job" if you can even call it work. I get to hang out with a beautiful little angel all day. Everyone keeps asking me if I am super stoked to go back to work. If I am going stir crazy being at home with the baby all day. Well, the simple answer to the question is, no! I never get sick of it. I never get sick of Alexxa. I will never get sick of seeing her learn new things, and seeing her smile. She has already changed so much since we brought her home and it just kills me that soon, I will not be there for every smile. It also worries me that we still don't know who will be watching her when I do go back to work. I am soo picky about that. Maybe I wouldn't be so worried about it if I knew someone well that could do it. But my mom works full time and so does Raynor's. And I don't hold that against them.
I guess the only hope I am really clinging onto here is that maybe Raynor can get another job soon and I won't have to work full time for much longer. I just wish there was an easier solution...

Parenthood

As I sit here watching my precious, beautiful little angel sleeping in her swing I cannot believe it was 6 weeks ago today that she was born. That whole day will stay frozen in my memory forever. Not sleeping the night before, stopping at Starbucks for breakfast on the way to the hospital, the way my heart was pounding the whole way there, the lump in my throat as I slipped into that gown, squeezing Raynor's hand when I was delivering her, and of course the moment the doctor said, "its a beautiful baby girl" and placed her on my tummy. It was love at first sight, and I just could not stop the tears. Raynor leaned down, kissed my forhead and said "I love you" with a quiver in his voice. I did the natural new mom thing, counted fingers and toes and just admired our little miracle. The nurse took her away after a few minutes and weighed and measured her. A perfect 7lbs 4oz. Then Raynor got to hold her for the first time. I will never forget the look on his face as he gazed at his little princess for the first time. Very overwhelmed, teary eyed, and somewhat terrifed. He was head over heals for her just like I was.
Parenthood is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Never has my path in life been so clear. It is a type of joy that I never knew or could have even imagined. You just don't know this kind of love exists until you lay eyes on your child for the first time. You would litterally do anything for them. You just want to protect them from all the bad in the world, even though that is obviously not possible.
Now its not to say that all this joy hasn't come with its trying moments. I don't get much sleep. Thats a give in. But I try to cherish even those exhausted moments I spend with her all hours of the night and early morning on the sofa watching late night television, and the sunrises we have seen together. Just the two of us. There are days the dishes don't get done, days that I have to dig for a pair of clean underwear, nights that I have had to scramble to get a bottle clean while listening to a screaming baby, and times of utter frustration that I just have to sit down and cry. There have been chaotic moments when Raynor and I have snapped at eachother. There are days that I may not get a shower until three in the afternoon. But I think these are normal moments that every parent experiences. And its a small and very fair price to pay for the joy these little people give us!
Six weeks later, I look at my little princess and already can't believe the change in her. She is picking her head up, turning her head from side to side, and even smiling at us :) She has definitely discovered who her mommy is, usually I can calm her crying by simply just picking her up and talking to her. It scares me to know that this time next year our house will be completely baby proofed and she will be a toddler. Weird. I already can't wait to give her a brother or sister even though that isn't a good idea for a couple years!
It absolutely kills me that I have just a little more than a month before I have to return to work. Its something I didn't want to do, but unfortunately is necessary. I have a friend that can watch her on Mondays and Tuesdays, but I haven't figured out the rest of the week yet. My mom works full time and so does Raynor's. The hard part is we can't afford a lot because we are on a tight budget as it is. But we will figure something out. This stuff always has a way of working out. One thing is for sure though, as soon as Raynor gets a new job I'm giving my two weeks notice to the bank!
Anyways, just thought I would share some of my thoughts on this new adventure.

Alexxa is one month old!!!

Well...almost. Tomorrow night at 9pm she will officially be four weeks old. And technically she won't be a whole month old until Friday, the 6th at 9pm. But just the same its just a few days away. All I can think is, WOW...what a whirlwind! I'm not just talking the last four weeks but more like the last 10 months. It does not seem like a whole 9 months ago I found out I was pregnant. Raynor and I were so shocked and freaked out. We had no idea how the heck we were going to do this. But eventually that shock and fear turned into utter excitement and anticipation for the big day to get here when we would actually get to hold our little sweetpea in our arms and see who she looks like. I remember thinking that 9 months was a lifetime away. It seemed as if we would never actually get to meet her. But over those months the baby paraphenelia rolled in, we put together an adorable nursery, Raynor spent a whole Sunday afternoon making sure the carseat was installed just right, and before we knew it, it was the early hours of Tuesday October 6th. Raynor and I were laying in bed both unable to get any sleep, because we knew that in just hours we would be parents. Finally 5am came and it was time to get up and get ready. I called the hospital just to double check they had room for us and sure enough we were given the green light to come on in. I took a shower, and Raynor packed the car. We got to the hospital, checked in, and settled into our room. They started the petocin around 8am, broke my water around 10am, and then I got my epidural around 11. Before I knew it, it was time to start pushing. I remember so vividly opening my eyes, looking at the doctor and seeing her place Alexxa on my tummy. It was so surreal to finally see her. It seemed like 2 seconds later we were packing up our stuff and heading home!
The last four weeks have been some of the most amazing, fun, exhausting, hormonal, crazy days of our lives. It has been so amazing to watch her grow. She has already changed so much. If I could go back and do it again, or when we have our second baby (which won't be for another 2 years!) I would definitely charish the pregnancy more. I was in such a huge hurry to get it overwith and have her here, that I really didn't take the time to enjoy it like I should have. And now I look back and actually find myself missing it. Not so much that I want to jump back into it of course :) But I think pregnancy is a special time, that sadly not every women gets to experience no matter how badly she may want too. I thank God every day that he has given me such a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She is just the light of our world. And I pray that some day he blesses us with two (or maybe even three) more. We'll see. I have always wanted to have a big family.
Today I was reflecting back to a couple months ago how stressed out I was about how this was all going to play out. If we were going to have enough money, feeling guilty that Alexxa was coming home to a small apartment, what we would do about childcare, ect. And now I look at how things are going and we are just fine. We may not have a lot of money, we don't have the house we want, and I still don't know what we will do about childcare. But I know everything is ok. In fact we are better than just ok, we are so happy. We have a beautiful, healthy baby girl who makes us smile every day. And we have eachother. Some day when we can afford to have that house we want, it will mean so much more. :)

I like this...

So this is actually something I got through an email from our market manager at work. I just really liked it so, I printed it off and thought I would share it. I hope everyone finds it as uplifting as I did:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it..
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29.. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

The final hours...

So this is it. In less than 24 hours I will be at the hospital getting induced. Of course this is contingant on there being room at the hospital for us, otherwise we will get bumped and rescheduled. But thats not going to happen!
It is a total shock to me how fast this whole thing has gone. It seems like just a few months ago was when we found out the news. I will never forget that day. I only wish it would have been a happier day. I sat in the bathroom crying in disbelief before I finally went and told Raynor. We both sat there in shock crying. Our families were more than encouraging. I think my dad gave me the best advice of anyone. He gave me a hug and said, "God doesn't make mistakes when it comes to babies." I knew he was right. Over the next few weeks our flat out fear turned into excitement. Not that we aren't still scared, I think every parent to be is scared. But we know everything will be ok.
I will never forget the last 8 months. We have had so much fun. The same day we found out what we were having, we went to Babies R Us and registered. I have enjoyed all of the doctors appointments (is it weird that I think I might miss those?), had two amazing baby showers, put together an adorable nursery, and baby proofed our house. Now its time to meet her. Our doctor gave us the option to have a 3D ultrasound, but we decided not too. I wanted to wait until we hold her to actually see what she looks like. Everyone has been taking guesses on how much she will weigh and who she will look like. My family and Raynor's family have been calling every day for the last month or so to check on us. They are sooo excited to meet the new addition. I just hope my mom can keep herself away from the hospital tomorrow haha. Raynor and I decided it was best for us to have only the two of us at the hospital while I am in labor and up until after we have her. We didn't want to hurt feelings, but I am already terrified of this and really anxious about it and for me adding more people to the situation makes it worse. But we promised we would call when she was born and the grandparents can come up and see her first.
Staying busy today and not stressing is going to be tough. I think I'm going to treat myself to a pedicure, I need to get a few things at Target, and I need to pay some bills. I have some laundry to do at home, and I'm going to run the vacume. This evening we are taking Ozzy over to Raynor's mom's house. She was nice enough to care for him while we are gone. Anyways, wish us luck and we will be in touch with everyone when our little bundle is here!

So this must be nesting???

At my last doctors appointment last Wendesday he decided to go ahead and induce me a week early! I was thirlled because I feel ready to be done with pregnancy, and I've been horribly uncomfortable. The cute little flutters that were so much fun to feel have turned into jabs and jams from knees and elbows, my bladder barely holds an ounce of liquid anymore, and sleep has become near impossible. I'm ready to give her an eviction notice! He checked his schedule and we decided to induce on Tuedsay October 6th. Now that I know for sure her arrivial is 8 days away, I find myself in this crazy frenzy to make everything perfect. Last week I stripped all the sheets and pads off her crib and got them washed. I put all the 0-3 month clothes in her dresser and the rest I organized in three rubbermaid pink bins that I stacked in her closet. So now I have all of her clothes organized by sizes 6-9 months, 10-12 months, and 12-18 months. I combined the 12-18 month stuff because I have less of it. Let me tell you between this baby girl's Grandma's she is going to be a very well dressed child! I think clothes is an expense Raynor and I won't be worrying about too much. This week I have organized my days by things I need to get done on which day. I will share:
Monday- Finish folding and putting away her clothes and blankets that I just washed. Organize her bathroom and find spots for everything like towels, washcloths, soap, medicine first aid kit, ect. I also need to find spots for things like extra crib sheets. Thank goodness she has a walk in closet!
Tuesday- Catch up on our laundry. I would like the have all the hampers empty when we come home because they will fill up again soon enough. Raynor also needs to finish putting the bouncer together. I got it maybe 1/4 of the way there, but I am terrible at putting things together. Even with instructions, stupid me doesn't understand them half the time!
Wendesday- Scour the bathrooms so they are squeaky clean. I'm only doing toilets, sinks and showers though floors will be Friday or Saturday! I also need to remind Raynor to install all the safety latches and stuff. Although she won't be very mobile for a while, it will be nice to know they are already installed.
Thursday- Put the clean sheets on her crib, the pad on the changing table, and hang the letters above her crib that I painted. I will need to go to Michaels Craft store to find something to hang them with. I also have a few things that I need to take to Goodwill. The coat closet is driving me crazy. I'm going to Target to buy some storage things to go in there.
Friday/Saturday- Make sure we have everything we need for the hospital, double check our bags and the diaper bag. Raynor also will be installing the carseat sometime this weekend. Mop all the floors so they are clean, I know she won't care but we will probably be having company coming over to see the baby for a while and I like to have a clean house when people come over. Also the kitchen cupboards are driving my crazy. The tops of them are covered with cluttery things which I need to find a home for. I have cute little docorations to put up there, I just haven't got around to it yet. Also vacume, but I do that pretty much every day anyhow because of pet hair. Saturday night Raynor and I are going out for a nice dinner together, maybe a movie we'll see. Sitting for a long period of time isn't very comfortable for me right now. But we thought it would be nice to slurge on one last date night, since we probably won't be leaving her with a sitter for a while.
Sunday- I'm hoping we can just relax (more that I can relax, Raynor is doing great) and just enjoy eachother's company. Raynor might go fish for a little bit that day, which is totally fine with me. After that we will probably head over to my parent's house for dinner.
Monday- Run the vacume and make sure that all the dishes are done, and laundry is put away. Also I think I will wash our sheets. It would be nice to come home to clean sheets. Put any final touches on her room, make sure we have everything ready like diapers, wipes, blankets, bottles, extra changes of clothes ready for when we get home. Also, packing Ozzy his little bag with as Raynor's mom was nice enough to take care of him for us while we will be gone. We'll be taking him over there when we Raynor gets home from work.
Raynor and I are going to Babies R Us tonight to get the last few things we need. If anyone has any suggestions on anything that is a "must have" for when you get home let me know! I know it sounds like enough to keep me busy, but I still think its going to be the longest week of my life. I'm so excited, but I'm also really nervous. I've never really been a patient in a hospital before. But I really trust my doctor, and I know women have been doing this since there have been women. If they all got through it then I most certainly will too.

Yay us!!!

A huge part of Raynor and my financial issues have always come from eating out. The amount of money we have spent on eating out is just unreal. Our ability to cook is not an issue. I love to cook, and I have gotten quite good, if I might say so myself. Raynor is no dumby in the kitchen either, he is equally as good if not better than I am. The problem is time. Time to grocery shop, time to prepare a meal, time to clean the kitchen ect. And I can't say that I really enjoy cooking after I have worked a nine hour day and neither does Raynor. However, with the baby on her way and the possibility of only living on one income after she is here Raynor and I have been trying to brainstorm as many ways as possible to cut costs. We don't have cable television, we have cut down on cell phone minutes, I no longer have internet on my blackberry, and we have eliminated a lot of unnecessary driving. But of course there was the problem of eating out. I know to some it might sound silly, but that was the hardest thing to let go. Last week when I got taken off work by my doctor I decided enough was enough. Since I will be spending most of my time at home, at least for the next three months there is no excuse to be eating out. We went grocery shopping and got plenty of food to last the week for breaksfasts, lunches and dinners. I have started planning out menus for the week, and actually look forward to making dinner now. And I am proud to say we have gone more than a week without a single meal out!!! That is a huge milestone for us. I am so proud!!!

Stressful times...

Let me just start off by saying, I hate money. I really hate money. I know that sounds funny coming from someone who works with it all day long, but I hate it. Money complicates everything. Its ruins people, it ruins families, it ruins marriages. People get so caught up with how big their bank accounts are, and the things they have. Money drives people to do incredibly stupid things. I'm not saying I am a saint, I am just as caught up in meterialism as everyone else. I like nice things like designer purses, shoes, handbags, and sunglasses. I love adding cute things to my closet and watching it grow. And I would LOVE to have a shiney new car some day and a big beautiful house. But in the end does this make us happy? We certainly don't take it with us when we die.
I am on this rant because for the last 9 months (since I got pregnant) Raynor and I have been sooo excited about becoming parents and our little bundle of joy being in our arms soon. We can't wait to hear that first cry, see the first toothless smile, and whitness those wobbly first steps. We are stoked about the whole thing. We both know (some people keep reminding us) that babies are hard work. They are expensive. They wake up at night. We know this. But people have been getting through it since the beginning of time, and something just tells me that all those sweet little moments make it so worth it. It doesn't seem fair that our excitement is dulled sometimes because we are still not quite sure how this whole little adventure will play out financially. But I stress about it every day and so does he. Raynor wants so bad to be able to take care of his family and make enough money so I don't have to go back to work. It is very important to him to fullfill my wish to be a stay at home mom at least until our child is in school. But it isn't his fault that the job market sucks. The poor guy has been working 3 jobs since we found out we were expecting this baby back in February. On top of that he has been filling out applications and sending out resumes every spare second he gets. But there are so many qualified applicants out there that are unemployed. It is just so sad. But in my opinion it is our meterialistic, need to have everything, living above our means ways that has got America into this mess. As I stated above, I am just as guilty as the next guy.
Basically, we have a few months to make a decision. I get 12 weeks off with pay from the bank. I know those 3 months will fly by though. After that the paychecks will stop and we will have to decide if I will return to work or not. The other problem is with the amount of money I make, compared to the cost of child care we would almost just be turning dollars. The other option is finding someone that does childcare in their home to watch her, sometimes that is cheaper. I just don't trust anyone enough to do that. That may sound a little paranoid, but I personally know someone whos child was molested by the son of his babysitter. To me, that is a huge price to pay for keeping your job. Our other option is to try and work oposite shifts. One of us work while the other stays home with the baby. I can't help but think about the toll that would take on our relationship though. Raynor would work early, early mornings from 3am-9am and then I would work during the day. He would be exhausted, and I would barely get to see the baby because I would pretty much be coming home to put her to bed. So what is the easy solution? Just trust that it will all work itself out? I wish I knew...

Fall cleaning

I guess I never realized how much I could get done if I wasn't working 9 hours a day, and 6 days a week. Last week I was just beside myself because I had no idea how I was going to get everything done before the baby comes. Raynor said that the baby won't care what our house looks like when she comes home from the hospital, but I most certainly do care. I know I will be more relaxed and at ease if everything is nicely organized and not dirty or cluttered. I didn't take any time off when we moved in here, because I was trying to save up as much vacation time as possible for when the baby comes.
I don't mind cleaning, I really dont, but when it gets on my nerves is when I simply feel I don't have the time or energy to do it. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I'm going to anyways. Our floors had not been scrubbed since we moved into this place. I vacume over them a couple times a week, but thats about it. The closets also had not been organized. We had one weekend to move in here, and I actually had to work on that Saturday. So basically we had half of a Saturday and a full day on Sunday to get in here. We lived out of boxes for months! After that I was working 6 days a week every week and by the time Sunday came it was the only day we were able to spend together and it ended up being the "catch up" day. So last week when my doctor pulled me off work, a part of me was actually relieved. I've been able to scrub my floors, organize all the closets, do all the grocery shopping and also prepare a menu for the week, so we won't have to eat out. Not to mention the baby room is all ready to go now, all we are missing is the baby. Its amazing how much better I feel now. Now the only problem will be going back to work when the time comes...

Hair and Makeup

Anyone that has known me for a long time knows that I have always been a pretty girly person. From middle school on I would not leave the house without freshely applied makeup, nicely brushed hair, and a well put together matching outfit. Well for some reason in the last year or so, I have been letting this part of me go. I blame it when I went to work at US Bank. US bank made us wear these horrible ugly polo shirts that were not flattering on anyone along with black pants every day. That was our "uniform". It was like I just stopped caring after that point. I would wake up, take a shower, get dressed in my ugly "uniform" and throw my wet hair up into some kind of bun or ponytail and at best I would put on foundation, and maybe a little blush. I guess after that point I didn't feel like I had anyone to really impress. But it also impacted how I dressed on my personal time too. I traded my feminine blouses for Aeropostale t-shirts, my high heals for sneakers or flip flops, and I just never took the time to mess with my hair and make up. I think part of it was my sleep issues. I would have rather stayed in bed for an extra hour sleeping than spend that hour primping to go out.
Anyways this past week or so, for some reason I have decided to start primping a bit more. Maybe its my pregnancy hormones, I dont know. But I've been wearing eye liner and eye shadow, and I've actually been doing something to my hair for once. I have to say, it has boosted my confidence imensely! Yesterday, I had a baby shower. I didn't want to spend the money and a brand new outfit, well because I'm pregnant and I won't be for much longer therefore I really don't want to invest in more maturnity clothes. Even though Raynor and I will be having more children some day, it won't be for a while and if I get a choice in the matter I do not plan on being pregnant in the third trimester again during summer! Anyways, I got a little off track there. I went through my closet and decided on a pair of white burmuda shorts, and I found a pink and black silky sleeveless empire waisted shirt that I had never wore, and forgot I had! It isn't actually a maturnity top, but because of the way its cut out it fit perfectly. Then came the problem of what to do with my hair. I got a haircut a while back and have been beating myself up over it ever since, because I never know what to do with short hair. Anyways, I clipped my bangs back and sort of flipped the ends out with my flat iron. I did my makeup and put on a cute pair of pearl earings. I finished it off with a cute pair of pink peep toe wedges. Let me tell you, Raynor could not stop complimenting me yesterday! All day, he was telling me how pretty I looked and how much he liked my outfit. And I felt better about myself too. I definitely don't think life is all about looks and I don't think there is anything wrong with lazy days spent in t-shirts and old jeans or sweat pants. But yesterday motivated me to start doing my make up and hair again. It makes me feel so much better about myself.

8 years later....

I remember like it was yesterday my dad coming in my room and waking me up to tell me what was happening in our country that day. At that point, we didn't know exactly what was going on. I poured a bowl of cereal and sat down in front of the TV right as the second plane hit. I remember the look on Katie Couric's face so well. I think the whole country was in shock. My parents never let us go to school that day, because they were unsure about what was going to happen.
Today, eight years later I still can't bring myself to think about anything else than that tragic day. I can't even imagine what it must have been like to be there trapped in one of the towers. Or on the other plane. I can't even imagine what the people on flight 93 went through, or the bravery it must have taken to fight the hijackers and bring the plane to the ground knowing they would never see their loved ones again. I have no idea what it must have been like, to know your husband, wife, mother, brother, sister, or best friend was in one of those towers and not knowing if they would ever make it out. Seeing the TV footage of all the pictures of missing people still makes me cry.
Today our thoughts and prayers are with those brave souls that lost their lives that day.

The final stretch

So yesterday it finally occurred to me that we are in the final home stretch of this pregnancy. I don't know why that came as such a shock to me. I had a doctors appointment yesterday, and the doctor said she could easily be here within a week, if not then probably 2 weeks! I mean, I knew I was pregnant which typically results in an infant at some point. I've had the ultrasounds, I've heard the heavenly heartbeat, and I've DEFINITELY felt the acrobatics of my little sweetpea in my belly. So obviously I had to have known that this day was coming soon. Raynor and I were sitting on the couch last night, both in disbelief about how fast this whole thing has gone. It really feels to us like it was not long ago we found out we would be having a baby. We so shocked and scared, afterall we hadn't seen ourselves with children for another five years or so. But we stuck it out together and started planning our new lives as parents. It helped so much that our families have been so supportive. This will be the first grandchild on both sides, and they are so excited. My mom calls me several times a day now, just to check on me and find out if I'm having any contractions. Its so sweet that she cares so much.
It isn't that we are having second thoughts, or are not excited about this baby coming. We are seriously thrilled and so excited to finally hold her and see what she looks like. Raynor can't wait to see her in the crib he put so much time and effort into putting together. But still, last night as I was putting our stuff together to take to the hospital, I couldn't help but getting butterflies in my stomach. What will it be like when we get home? What about Raynor's job situation? Will we have enough money? These are all questions that keep running through my head. I guess I just have to trust that it will all work itself out?

Pregnancy Update

I have been lucky enough and very, very blessed to have a pretty excellent pregnancy so far. I never had much morning sickness, no major problems or anything. Last night I woke up around 1am to go to the bathroom. My bathroom trips are like clockwork these days, I am usually up at 1, 3, and 5am to pee since the baby likes to lay on my bladder. So anyways after I got back into bed I started getting these awful contractions. I've had the braxton hicks (like practice contractions, but not dangerous) before, but never like this. It felt like period cramps, but like a thousand times stronger. My back was also killing me. I woke up Raynor and we started timing them. At one point they were coming back to back about 2 minutes apart. I decided that we should call the hospital. The doctor on call was really nice, and suggested to take a warm shower to relax my muscles. That certainly made me feel better, and I was able to sleep through the night until my alarm went off at 6:30am. This morning the contractions kept on coming, not quite as painful but nevertheless they were still there. I called the doctor back and this time they wanted me to come to the hospital. I left work and checked into the hospital. The doctors and nurses were super nice. They hooked my up to a fetal monitor and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat (I loved that part). The only problem was the contractions were still there and they were causing the baby to go into stress. They ran some tests to see what the chances were of me going into preterm labor. We haven't got the results back yet, but we should hear back by tomorrow. So for now, I am on bedrest at least until I can get in to see a doctor tomorrow. I am 34 weeks pregnant, but the doctor says even though in the long run the baby would be fine, they don't like to deliver this early unless it is unavoidable. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

To return to work...or not????

Lately the I've been weighing a HUGE issue on my mind. To return back to my job after our baby comes, or to stay home. Assuming I end up having a choice, it will all depend on Raynor's job situation. I am just so proud of him. Before this pregnancy we were happy with where we both were in life. We were happy in the moment and never really looked ahead at the future. And I don't think there was anything wrong with that at the time considering we are both very young. But then we got pregnant and all of a sudden life was no longer just about us. We had another very important little person to consider. Almost right away, that same week Raynor started looking at other job oppertunities. So far he is applying for two different jobs. However, even if he does get a new job it will still be a tough decision to make. Having a baby is expensive and if I stop working thats going to be about 2500 dollars less a month in our income. That will hurt! We have been privilaged enough to live a comfortable life. We are by NO MEANS rich, but our bills are paid, and we have enough money left over to go out to dinner, see movies, and buy things for ourselves on occasion. If I end up staying home we will be down the just the basics. No more dinners out, no more movies. Raynor will have to stop buying stuff to support his fishing hobby, and I will have to stop buying shoes, clothes, handbags ect. Then I look at the other side of it and how much it would impact our daughter's life to have me at home. I used to work in a daycare center before the bank. At let me tell you, it broke my heart how many first steps I saw taken, first words babbled, and first smiles and laughs that the parents didn't get to see. Children only get one childhood and parents only get one chance to see it. Looking at it from that angle makes me want to stay home. I don't know, I'm sure everything will fall into place once she is here. Maybe it will be more clear then.