*Sigh* The time I had hoped would just never come around is right around the corner. In just a little over a month it will be time for me to go back to work. I can't even begin to express in words how much this disappoints me. We have ran numbers and thought of just about solution in the last few months to avoid this, but sadly it just doesn't seem possible. Without me working the bills will not get paid. And as much has it hurts me, it does not change the fact that we still need a place to live. Our daughter needs food, she needs diapers. And without me working those things may not be possible.
Perhaps it would be different if I loved my job. I just don't. The day I walked out of there it felt like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that I didn't have to hear about DDA, how bad we were doing on credit cards, customer delight, HELOC's, how far behind I was on referrals, cash balancing and all the other junk that goes along with my job. It was so nice to have a clean house for once. To actually be able to make a nice meal. To night be stressed out and grumpy when I finally got to see Raynor when he got home from work. We could actually sit down and enjoy eachothers company without worrying about everything that had happened at the bank that day.
For me personally, I have never found I job that I have enjoyed. I have had jobs that have paid the bills, and that gave me something to do during the day. But when I became a mom that all changed. I truly enjoy this "job" if you can even call it work. I get to hang out with a beautiful little angel all day. Everyone keeps asking me if I am super stoked to go back to work. If I am going stir crazy being at home with the baby all day. Well, the simple answer to the question is, no! I never get sick of it. I never get sick of Alexxa. I will never get sick of seeing her learn new things, and seeing her smile. She has already changed so much since we brought her home and it just kills me that soon, I will not be there for every smile. It also worries me that we still don't know who will be watching her when I do go back to work. I am soo picky about that. Maybe I wouldn't be so worried about it if I knew someone well that could do it. But my mom works full time and so does Raynor's. And I don't hold that against them.
I guess the only hope I am really clinging onto here is that maybe Raynor can get another job soon and I won't have to work full time for much longer. I just wish there was an easier solution...
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You will find in life that it in not our circumstances that defines our happiness. It is changing how we think about our circumstances. The truth is that some circumstances make our lives more enjoyable and happier, but they do not bring happiness. I know lots of people that have the "perfect" circumstances but they are not happy. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -Mike
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